Discs before D*cks

Valentines

I made this for valentines as a joke haha

I started playing Ultimate Frisbee a few days after my birthday. As you may know, at that point in my life, I had been heartbroken. To cope with it, I began to reconnect with myself and, maybe, try out new things. I thought about my life in retrospect and realized that I didn’t really play a sport.

So, I began researching about Ultimate Frisbee because the guy I met around January of last year was a player. Not only that, I had spent much of the first semester of my last year in university passing by the soccer field that was filled with frisbee players around the time my class got dismissed. They would run around even though some of them were in uniforms. I was curious but the motivation to go to the field and ask if I could play was too low. I was slumped with work and school.

Now that I had quit work, I decided to finally go try Frisbee out. I finished my research and got a hold of the organizers’ numbers. They told me to drop by any day at 4:30 PM cause they were going to be at the field everyday at that particular hour.

On the day I scheduled myself to be at the field, I was very anxious. In fact, I had thought about skipping it altogether because I was too shy and nervous. But, I mustered up the courage to go meet them because I wanted change in my life and the only way to achieve change is to move forward. I did. And, there is not a day I have regretted stepping out into the field and introducing myself.

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Just some of the members of the team. The one with the blurry face in green is the main proponent of frisbee. The one in purple is his right hand lol. The girls are new to the team but they play really well. The other guys have been playing for some time now.

My interest in Ultimate Frisbee has grown so much. The more I play, the more I realize how similar it is to a variety of other sports like badminton, basketball, football, and rugby in terms of hand and foot movement as well as offense and defense stances. I wanna get better at playing ultimate frisbee more than I would ever want to be in a relationship. I’m not shitting on people who are in a relationship or people who are looking for a relationship. You can trust me on this.

What I’m saying is that: Frisbee allows me to get in touch with myself. It allows me to learn more about myself and it makes me want to do better. It makes me set goals and work toward those goals. It sharpens my decision making skills and encourages me to be keen. More than anything, it helps me set the life I want.

My dilemmas about socializing have diminished because of my teammates. They are hilarious, loving, and supportive at the same time. They believe in hard work and progress. They play and practice everyday. They don’t train as much as before but with the good amount of newbies joining, I think we’ll be training more often. It’s such a pain but I’d rather be bruised than miss training for some petty excuse.

I don’t want that ‘Downtown Love’ G-Eazy talks about. Because, truthfully, I’d rather be with these people. I’d rather be basking in the sun on the field. I’d rather be running to pursue a disc than pursue a d*ck.

Belated Happy Birthday to me!

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My favorite photo with nerfs.

I think it was around the age of 11 or 12 when I stopped treating my birthday as though it were a special day for me. In that morning, I was excited at the thought that I would be treated special because it was my birthday. But, throughout the course of the whole day, my parents had almost forgotten that it was my birthday, my classmates were forced to sing a birthday song for me, I had been ignored by the rest of my classmates, and I went home alone with my head filled with thoughts of how remarkably plain I was. It had struck me that most people didn’t really care if it were my birthday or not. I was in high school and I was full of angst and loneliness – I had been ostracized and my self esteem, along with my self confidence, had hit rock bottom. Not only that, I was a girl in her formative years. The whole ordeal had such a great effect on me that I dropped the issue and closed myself up to avoid further emotional damage.

Since then, and without fail, I have always treated my birthday the way I have treated most of the other days in my life. I would, however, skip class or just try to stay away from crowds who knew me (if I had a choice) so I could deflect people’s attention from the fact that it was my birthday toward other things and then I just wing the day out like I normally did with all the other days. I spend the day alone and respond to birthday greetings but it felt empty most of the time. But, that era has ended.

This year, I had no plans for my birthday and I was just planning on staying in when my friends called and told me “we” had plans. They took me out and we went to Laser Blitz to shoot at zombies (Laser Blitz’s Halloween Special), ate at a barbecue place near Panagdait, drank some really creamy milky shakes, then, finally, drinking while listening to some poets perform their slam poetry. People were greeting, hugging, and sending out lovely messages to me. I felt very warm inside.  I just really wish I had money so I could at least offer to pay for food. Though I still treat the day the same as ever, the people around me have changed and I feel absolutely more accepted – more loved – than before. Belated Happy Birthday to me! The first day of 21st year was definitely well spent.

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My 21st birthday is one of the most memorable birthdays I have ever had.

 

It seems that dealing with my heartbreak isn’t as difficult this time. Not that I don’t feel any pain or that I don’t find it difficult, but, rather, that the pain comes every few hours or so and is not as destructive as I thought it would be. Now that everything is over, it seems that I feel much more calm and functional. I still get angry and I still get emotional. And, a lot of times, I cry because something has ended. But I’d rather be in this state than be staying in that indecisive line between friends and lovers. Our perspectives were ultimately different and the heartaches that it triggered stemmed from insecurity – especially the insecurity of not being liked – which had disastrous effects for my mental well being. At least, now, he’s made a decision and I have come to slowly accept that decision.

Square 1. Again.

October 21, 2015
17:51:38

“Yeah i think we should stop”

I’m not really sure how I feel because I’m overwhelmed by an assortment of emotions. Although, much of the emotion that I can identify is pain. And, to be honest, I think the source of the pain is knowing that what is familiar is now coming to an end, knowing that this moment was going to come the moment I responded to his messages and the moment he had driven me home that one night we didn’t talk, that I knew all along that I was just somebody’s rebound, and that I should have stuck with my initial decision in September. But, the heart is weak.

We got to a point when we had asked if we would last until the next semester. I answered that it was all up to him. I may have answered that way because I had decided that I knew how I felt and was just waiting on him. Simultaneously, when he told me that it was both up to us, my gut feeling predicted that it would eventually end before the next semester begins. It was right. I was right.

It’s ridiculous because I had been crying about a different guy just a few months ago and, now, here’s a different one. I never really thought I could score these much feelings for two guys in just a year. It’s usually just one or none. I think I should go and entertain the other people who’ve been trying to ask me out for a few weeks now as well as address some internal problems I have with myself.

 

Update: I entertained some guys but eh. Loneliness should not be a reason to use other people to get your mind off others.

Semper Ad Meliora: Always Toward Better Things

I passed my thesis proposal defense just this Saturday! And to be honest, after receiving the results, my brain broke down from the stress and I slept for a long time at the room where we had our proposal defenses. I’ve still got lots of paperwork to do but I’m so glad that I got to free up some time and reflect on my life thanks to procrastination.

I finally understood why I failed two years ago. My understanding of research had been faulty. Back then, I had failed to understand nor did I try to understand the scientific process of which all knowledge begins from. Not only that, I wrote with my feelings and not my thoughts. I wrote outrageous statements which did not have sufficient grounds. I almost completely misunderstood the theories I had read to suit my own needs and morphed my objectives to fit my theories which should have been the other way around.

I’m glad I failed twice and that the pain of failure was so great that it forced me to question who I was as a person. I equated my self worth with my grades. My life had centered around what I had and not what I was. I had good grades and when I lost my good grades, I lost myself in the process too. I spent months trying my best to console myself but, really, in the end, it just took some acceptance of what had happened and moving on with life. Acceptance that we are all human and that we are all just striving to do whatever we think is best. I believe I am a better person than I ever was. All the major things I’ve done, the people I have met, the circumstances I’ve gotten myself into have all been instrumental to my growth as a person and as a researcher. The past few months have been gruesome but I’m glad to know that I made it up to this point in time.

Always toward better things.